By Scott Wells

     News peoples around the world were stunned - well, not stunned, but surprised - moderately - by the stunning news from the Justice Department that audio analysis of several audio tapes confirms the rumors - Osama bin Laden is Pat Robertson.

     Wishing to remain anonymous, Task Force Agent Harold Gibbon of 1865 Sycamore Road (Apt. 212), Tuscaloosa, Alabama confirmed the confirmation of the rumor.

     "We were always suspicious," said Gibbon, "but the technology didn't exist until recently for us to be able to convert the audio from the PAL version video tapes to the NTSC standard until we visited a local Radio Shack.  Then, after a handful of No Doze and a 2-Liter Mountain Dew, we went to work.

     Political analysts first notice similarity in the rhetoric of the two men shortly after the events of 9-11.  Both blamed the attacks on an immoral, unjust American populous.  Both men wanted everyone to live by their strict, outdated religious norms.  Both men wish to subjugate women to the demands of their husbands (no matter how ridiculous) and diminish their role in the work force.  Both have aspirations of higher power (bin Laden pretty much ran Afghanistan, while Robertson ran for US President).  Both men are insanely wealthy.  Both don't like it when the U.S. tries to remove despotic, theocratic, thugs from power (the Taliban in Afghanistan, and Charles Taylor from Liberia).  And they both hate Jews.

     When reached for comment, President George W. Bush said from the swing on the porch of his Texas retreat, "I dunno what I'm gonna do.  On one hand, Osama bin Laden is an evil sunnuvabitch, but on the other hand, Pat Robertson has donated generously to my campaigns."

     The President then took a long, cool drink of lemonade before adding, "Maybe I'll have Dick take him hunting."