By Scott Wells

During the early 1980’s, the world’s supply of fossil fuels expired, plunging us into a new age of barbarism. If only Ford Motor Company hadn’t bought the patent for the carburetor that would fit any model gas engine and hid it only God knows where. Bastards!

Of course, diesel engines could still operate, since soy based fuels could be used in the engines. Hemp oil was also used for awhile, until too many people started smoking it. This of course, led to harder drugs, and by 1987, 85% of the U.S. population was addicted to cocaine. That was all the Illuminati needed to take over the world! They now control the world’s drug trade, and the only way to get your blow is to have a microchip implanted in either your right hand or forehead.

The Illuminati first tried to take over the world years earlier by hiring a Cuban-born, Communist, Mafia member, with ties to the CIA to assassinate a particular U.S. President. When Oswald beat them to it, they decided to wait a few decades. The Illuminati finally hired a couple of Iraqis and an Afghani to blow up a federal building, and brainwashed a U.S. serviceman into confessing to the dirty deed. That heinous act soon led to martial law, curfews, confiscation of weapons, and strange, unisex outfits.

The downside of using soy-based fuels was horrifying environmental catastrophe. Global warming increased in dramatic fashion, melting the polar ice caps and flooding coastal cities. Hell, in the early 1990’s, Fargo, North Dakota hit a record high of 85 degrees – on Christmas Day! Of course, the Illuminati won’t let you call it "Christmas" anymore, since they are Godless.

Things were getting better by the late 1990’s. Hydrogen, solar, and wind power were commonplace, and the global climate gradually shifted back to what we once knew as normal. But in June of 1998, a sinister alien canister that had been trailing comet Hale-Bopp released a plant pathogen over South America and Africa, which then killed off over 75% of all plant life on Earth. Of course the rain forests weren’t affected, since they’d all been chopped down years earlier (except for the costal areas destroyed by massive tidal waves created by planetary alignments).

Seeded by nurseries from a few safe havens in Hawaii, plant life was eventually restored to most parts of the globe during the next five years. In the meantime, people lived off seaweed and algae, which of course provided several healthy side-effects for the human race. People lost weight fast and maintain ideal weights easier; they have more energy and better memory retention; and they now live longer, healthier lives. Hey, it's even cured cancer.  Unfortunately, most of the medical information was lost on January 1st, 2000, when all the computers (except for Macs) crashed and burned due to the Y2K bug.  This was bad news for Bill Gates, who soon found himself drawn and quartered by roving bands of maniacs.  And things returned to relative normalcy once everyone threw out their inferior (and now useless) PC's for new MacIntoshes.

Finally, during the last month a NASA rover landed on Mars and began taking photographs. One of the most interesting discoveries has been mechanical parts strewn across the Martian landscape. At first, NASA wasn’t exactly certain what they were looking at. But computer enhancement of the photographs has at last revealed what these mysterious objects are.

Carburetors!  No word yet on the estimated highway mileage, though.