By Scott Wells

Matthew Lesko, for those of you who don't know, is the genius behind those books that tell you how to get money to finish your college degree (what's the matter, a little bit of honest work too much to handle, pansy?), pay your rent (hmm...my program is called A JOB), learn how to use a computer, or just about anything else under the sun.  So why do I hate this guy?  Well, number one, he dresses up like The Riddler, who is quite possibly the most ridiculous super villain ever.  "How do I defeat this man dressed as a bat with access to all sorts of high-tech weapons?  I know!  Scrabble!  HAHAHAHAHA!  Now, where is that government program for free board games?"

Secondly, he's been on Oprah.  Do I really need to say anything else?  If Letterman is beneath Oprah, then how in the hell is this guy good enough?  Did he bribe her with a government program for free chocolate?  I'm sure our government is wasteful enough to think of something like that - and Ted Kennedy probably attached a rider to include vodka. 

My third problem with this anorexic windbag is the fact that his information is getting in the hands of a bunch of good-for-nothing mullet-heads who take this money and then blow it on beer and chrome for their Camaro, giving me no direct benefit even though they're taking my tax dollars.  So, I'd like to make a suggestion for a government grant:  Give someone $10,000 to glue this poo-flinging monkey's lips together.  Imagine the big question mark above his head as he realizes he no longer has the power to annoy us.

If this moron isn't bad enough for you, here's another one:  Have any of you ever seen the commercial for the "Pops-a-dent" system?  Apparently, hot glue, a corkscrew, and a suction cup are all you need to remove dents from your car.  Here's a screen shot of one of the "actors" in this atrocity, followed by a quote:

"I opened my door into one of those concrete posts; I felt really dumb.  But with Pops-a-dent, I fixed it all by myself, in no time at all.  Now who's the smart one?"

Who's the smart one?  My guess is the woman who turned down this role so she wouldn't look like a drooling idiot on national television. 

By the way, this story is funny to me, because I knew a woman who not only opened her door into a concrete post, but she also managed to get her arm stuck between her van door and the McDonald's drive through window.  True story, I swear.  But, if you're dumb enough to eat at McDonald's, you deserve to have your arm ripped off so you can't cram that crap into your mouth.

But the worst commercial on TV right now, bar none, is for the National Inventors Kit.  I'm sure you've seen it, where an obviously agitated (or perhaps constipated) woman says, "A pot that cooks and drains pasta?  That was my idea!  If I'd gotten a patent, I'd be rich!"

This proves to me the existence of a Supreme Being.  Anyone too damn lazy to drain pasta in a colander shouldn't be rich, they should be told to shut the hell up in a stern, unwavering voice.  It's simple:  pour in pasta and water, water drains out, and you end up with pasta!  Here's simple equation anyone with a seventh grade education can figure out.  Note that "p" equals pasta, "w" equals water, and "c" equals colander:

(w+p)+c = p

Simple, huh?  I bet even that Pops-a-Dent lady could figure it out.  She's pretty damn smart, after all.

So do me a favor:  if anyone you know orders the Perfect Pasta, Pops-a-Dent, Liquid Leather, Orange Power, Windows Tutorial CD, or any of the other useless products advertised on TV, roll up a newspaper, smack them on the head, tell them they're a bad dog, and take them to the vet to be fixed - anyone that stupid has no business breeding

But, if you felt bad afterwards, you could always buy them Lesko's book.