By Scott Wells

    Well, another year has come and gone, and I find myself scratching my head and asking what the hell people are thinking more and more often these days.  It seems that my ever increasing level of aggravation grows exponentially (for those of you who don’t know what exponentially means go back to reading your Maxim magazine and drooling over not naked women).

     For instance, just a few years ago, Brittany Spears was a teenage princess (albeit with a nice rack) that you could look at, but not touch.  Then, she started dressing like a dime-store hooker in her videos, but claimed to be a virgin (yeah, she was a virgin.  And I’m rich and handsome).  Now, a mere few years ago, I’d be thinking, “man, I’d like to be the snake that that little whore is straddling.”  But now, I’m thinking, “put some clothes on you little whore, and let Steve Irwin handle that dangerous reptile, because then I’d be learning something.”  What happened?  Where did my libido go?  Of course, now Brittany is fat, married, and a chain smoker.  So I guess I’m not the only one who got old.

     Speaking of libido and things sexual, remember when dancing was dancing?  Sure, the Robot and the Cabbage patch were some of the stupidest things ever witnessed before the Grace of God, but it was dancing.  Now, I go to a club, and dancing consists of young people trying to see who can dry-hump each other for the longest amount of time between bathroom breaks and shots of piss flavored, stupidly named drinks.  Have we, as a culture, sunk so low that dancing is reduced to a discovery process for new sexual positions?  And if so, why the hell didn’t it happen before I was too old to cash in, dammit?

     Of course, I’m not the only one confused about things these days.  For instance, a few years ago, residents of the town (I refuse to call it a city, because cities have culture) voted against constructing a water park.  Well, soon after, a new plan was concocted, and the water park appears to be back in business.  Now, this might not be a bad thing in most places, but here it’s absolutely retarded.  Why?  Well, for one thing, our low temperature one day last winter was -44 degrees Fahrenheit (sweet mother of mercy, I’m complaining about the weather – damn I’m old!) – it was warmer not only in Antarctica, but also on Mars that day.  The last thing any sane person is thinking about when it’s that damn cold is swimming.  And the other reason it’s stupid is because the town I live in is Grand Forks, North Dakota.  You might remember hearing about us on the news in 1997, when our entire town was wiped out by massive flooding.  Since the hell when is adding more water to a flood plain a good idea?  And how is the water park going to compete when God goes Noah on us again, because we’re too busy building golf courses, event centers, and water parks to put up a friggin’ dike to make sure this doesn’t happen again?  On the other hand, I’m sure our local newspaper (or pamphlet as most of us call it) would probably like another Pulitzer Prize.

     And can somebody tell me, please, what the hell is so special about theses tag less t-shirt?  200 years of t-shirt technology wasn’t good enough all of a sudden?  It was good enough for me, dammit, and if you’re too much of a pussy to deal with a one-inch piece of cloth, then do what we always did, and tear it off!

     Unless, of course, that one inch piece of cloth is what Ms. Spears is wearing in her new video.  In that case, get the girl some damn clothing.  And stop making out with Madonna, you Jezebel.  Let Steve Irwin handle her, by crikey.